I am locked in prison of rehabilitation.
Yes, I started writing this post while I am avoiding running due to right hip pain (piriformis). It seems to be a regular affair for me. Few minutes of running I am fine; after couple of kilometres, my right foot started to numb and radiates pain to my right butt.
I have no idea why this is still happening after therapy and medications. I need to stop every now and then to stretch my foot to relieve from numbness every time I do long runs. Well that’s for me to keep seeking answers.
It was almost three years ago, when my bout with piriformis started. I tried every known home remedy. I see doctors, orthopedic, podiatrist. I even undergo lab test, MRI, X-ray but the doctors couldn’t detect what is wrong. I do yoga, stretching and strengthen my core to be able to somewhat reduce the pain. Since then, this pain has become day to day part of my life. I couldn’t go back to the time where I can run pain free.
It’s very, very frustrating. Sometimes painful. Always exhausting. As a running group leader and triathlete, I am required to run and be physically fit. To the point that I was really hard on myself. It is so difficult, so incredibly exhausting, to run, to fight through the weakness. And yet, I do what I have to do.
I’ve asked God many times to take this weakness (pain) away, to heal me and allow me to run (run fast and longer) pain free again. I’ve asked God why I have to fight this recurrent battle.
I haven’t gotten an answer. I simply consider it my thorn in the flesh.
One thing I notice is that this battle (pain) often comes after high intensity run or training. Being a bread winner and leader, I am required to do non-stop activity (work and play). Every waking moment is filled with something, and I usually collapse into bed at the end of the day.
Until I get this piriformis. I seem to slow down, take a day off, rest. I have to make sure to stop, stretch, slow my pace every time I am doing high intensity runs. I find time to escape the frenetic pace of my life and get away from it all. I do my best to take time for myself, to care for myself.
And I think that’s why God allows it to keep happening. It’s the only way he can get my attention and convince me to rest and slow down. I’m pretty stubborn that way.
That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a torment to keep me from becoming proud.
In many different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. See 2 Corinthians 12:5-10
As an outsider, we look at Paul’s life and we see an amazing man of God, a man filled with faith and courage. He boldly faced dangers and persecution to share the message of Christ. He had such an intimate relationship with God that he authored a large portion of the New Testament as we know it.
And yet, we don’t have a full understanding of Paul’s life. There was something that plagued him, something that made him feel incredibly weak. We don’t know what it was; we only know that he referred to it as a thorn in the flesh…and he begged God to take it away.
Paul says his thorn in the flesh was to keep him from becoming proud, to keep him humble in light of the amazing revelations he had seen. His thorn in the flesh served a purpose, kept him dependent on God.
And it was a constant reminder that he needs God’s strength, his grace. It reminded him that he is only human serving an omnipotent God. It reminded him that no matter what amazing revelations he heard from God, it was only because of God’s great grace and mercy that he was chosen to serve the kingdom. His thorn in the flesh kept him humble.
I suppose my piriformis does the same. It’s so easy to get busy, to go through this life at a frenetic pace. I find myself going through the motions of spending time with God, but not actually connecting with him. I am so busy doing that I fail to be: Be still. Be quiet. Be alone with God.
Sometimes God has to bring me to the end of myself, force me to remember I cannot live this life on my own. He has to make me slow down, take care of myself, realize that life keeps going even when I can’t keep juggling all the balls. I can’t say that I like it, but I do understand the purpose.
And, I will delight all the more in His great grace. His grace that sees what I need even when I don’t. His grace that sustains me, especially in the difficult days. His grace that is more than sufficient to see me through. His grace that gives me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it (even if I don’t like it).
It’s time to remember I can’t keep going at this pace. It’s time to let my thorn in the flesh remind me that I am human.
Ponder this: pain can protect us from pain; redemptive pain can protect us from destructive pain.
I will soon receive healing…
MMM
Eden Uy 